Had some fun again this morning on Mix 94.5 PERTH with Clairsy, Matt and Kymba answering some listeners questions about relationships, dating and love!
What is ways to improve communication in a marriage? I discuss "window of tolerance" for better communication.
How can people ensure they aren't wasting their time when dating? I discuss boundaries and the importance of centredeness during the process.
Answers to all these questions are generalised. If you are feeling troubled or concerned about your specific situation please contact myself on firstname.lastname@example.org and I can help point you in the right direction for help or assistance.
Kymba: Melissa, the thing is that relationships seem to be something that are just governing everybody's world, you can't turn it off, whether you are single, married, or whatever it is. There seems to always be this conversation around the place of how do we communicate better with other people, how do we get along? We've put it out to some of our listeners and said, "What sort of relationship advice might you need and hope that by asking broad questions you might be able to give us some advice?" One of them, this is the broadest question ever. What are some ways of improving communication in a marriage?
Melissa: That's a great question. Often it's not about communication. What it can often be about is then, it's how we approach something important. What happens with couples and where it's the big issue or something that needs to be discussed. They become what we call dysregulated. What that means is, your nervous system is unaligned. What's more important when you are going to approach something? If you are both in a state of what we call a window of tolerance, where you are in a place where you are able to discuss something. What that means is, if someone is too escalated to be able to discuss, their nervous system is in a hyper level, then discussion is not going to happen. If the other person has withdrawn or a bit flat in the conversation, then you are not going to have good outcomes.
Kymba: The thing is, you don't want to wait for the good time in the relationship when things are going well to bring up the bad stuff.
Melissa: I know and that's very true but it probably is a really good time that couples can bring things up that are important is when the good foundations that they have. The moment when we remember how good our relation can be, can be a time to bring stuff up because if it's not brought up, it sits there and it really impacts the relationship.
Matt: All right, we have another question for you. Modern relationships are very different in terms of "seeing someone," how can people ensure they aren't wasting their time during this period? What effect does this have on the eventual relationship?
Melissa: I love this question, what is really important when you go into the dating world, is that right from the beginning you are able to set boundaries around how you want to be treated right from the beginning. What I love about this question this listener asked, what effects does it have on the eventual relationship? Right from the beginning, you are really setting up how you want to be seen in the relationship. If you are someone going into the dating world and you are thinking, "I want to be able to have the flexibility of being able to see whoever I want to see. I have found someone that I really want or I really like and I want it to be exclusive." I think that you need to set it up right from the beginning. I know that people feel they might frighten people away, but sometimes that's a risk that you have to take.
Kymba: If you frighten someone off, they are not for you anyway, right?
Melissa: That's my thinking and I know, you do have to give someone some time. What's really great to understand about dating is, if you can go to dates centered as you possibly can and I know that's really difficult. You are able to watch really carefully how that person is with you. That is going to give you a lot more clues about who they are and who they are going to be down the track.
Matt: Of course, if you've got issues that you'd like to find out more a bit, best to seek the advice of your own professional, Melissa, always good to catch up.
Melissa: Wonderful, thank you so much. Yes, if you do need, you can even email me and I'm happy to help put people in the right direction.
Matt: Terrific, that's melissaferrari.com.au, good to chat.
Melissa: Thank you.
For more tips and information about love, relationships and happiness visit my Facebook page Key To Love for those looking to find a life partner and are looking for some coaching or Love, Life, Relationships & Transformation for parents and those in relationships already who like some daily inspiration.