I have been thinking a lot today about relationships and how the desire to have our unmet needs accomodated and valued by another can be a painful process for many. We bring with us all our own histories, blue prints, parenting, biology and to find a match that will see what needs attention or healing can be difficult. We all see the world through our own psychological lens. It's just the way it is and with mindfullness and attention it can be changed.
In our everyday life nothing is more difficult than another person in my opinion. A way to try and understand and help each each other is through empathy, a desire to stay partners and recognition of each others unmet needs, often left over from our childhood and all the other factors that shape us as we grow and develop into adults.
See your partner, really see them
A hint from someone who has worked with couples for 17 years now! See your partner, recognize they have their own lens they see the world through that has been shaped differently to yours and help them heal it where you can. There is little point telling your partner that what is affecting you now is history and you should get on with it.
Ask how you can help
Recognize that as your partners new family or significant other it is part of your job to help them heal their past. They are with you and you have made a commitment to be with them, it is part of your responsibilty to check out why they are unhappy or distressed! Help soothe your partner and ask them how you can help and if you can't help them be patient! If it is too difficult to know how to help them then seek help from a professional because it may mean there is something underlying that needs attention.
Melissa - Psychotherapist and Couple Coach for 17 years.
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