Online Dating - Some Thoughts On What You Need To Get It Right.

In this radio show called Women On Top I talk about what to look out for to take care of yourself and approach online dating safely. I speak about clues to look for when meeting someone for the first time who may be a prospective life-time partner. We cover some lively topics about the dating world and in the show we have a laugh along the way! 

TRANSCRIPT:

Andrea:    That's such a beautiful track. That was Tom McRae with "Still Lost." You're listening to Radio Blue Mountains on 89.1. It's currently 14 degrees in Katoomba and 17 degrees in Springwood. You are back with Women on Top today. Presented by Women with Attitude and that was the Q and E news broadcast. Thank you for bearing with us when we played that now. Melissa, when you're in on a Wednesday when you were our guest host because we rotate our host each week, we normally talk relationships. This week we wanted to talk about dating because it seems to be coming up a lot for you at the moment and with different people that you're talking to. Online dating in particular is something. It's changed so much.

Melissa:    It has.

Andrea:    What advice have you got for people out there who are thinking about dating again or online dating? I can't even imagine what it would be now to date online?

Andrea:    I know one of our members who met someone on Tinder. They're going great guns at the moment. To be honest, I can't even ... I can't even talk. I can't even get the words out even imagining swiping left or right to people. Don't you think?

Andrea:    I absolutely agree.

Melissa:    Yeah. It's interesting you say that because what's happening nowadays a lot is people are getting addicted to the swipe. It's like they're so liking seeing new faces going by. It almost becomes like a bit of an addiction in itself.

Andrea:    Oh get out of town. Really?

Melissa:    They don't end up on dates because it's sort of like they have contacted someone really just for a few moments whether it be on talking to them by chat or however it's done. Very quickly they going, "Oh. Well, I can just find somebody. I don't like you. I can find someone else." It goes back to the swiping and it's actually a form of a kind of addiction. It's like the brain, the addiction part of the brain just getting addicted to the swiping. People need to be really mindful of that. It's a bit like people that are addicted to Facebook and the news feed coming through and all of that kind of stuff. It speaks to a lot of things.

Andrea:    I was watching a program last night and it was on the ABC. I don't even know what the show was to be honest. I was working and I was just ... I just had it on as white noise in the background. There was a program and there were ... Mariam Margolyes, the actress, was in it. They were English. They were visiting India on some sort of pilgrimage. Remember the cooking show "Two Fat Ladies?"

Halyna:    Oh yes.

Andrea:    I think one of them has died but the other lady ... One of the other ladies was there as well. There was another woman who was just beautiful but she was in her 70s. She was just kind of saying that she feels quite alone now and most men are looking for younger woman. She was mentioning the dating scene. I'm like, "God. That must be really hard."

Melissa:    It is hard. It is hard. It's coming from someone who did it.

Andrea:    Yeah. Right.

Melissa:    I have been with my partner now 5 years and we recently got married and I dated online. I met with 16 prospects in that time.

Andrea:    In your online dating little lifeline, a lifetime that happened, you went on 16 dates.

Melissa:    Sixteen dates.

Andrea:    Over a period of what sort of time?

Melissa:    I think it's about a year. Close to a year.

Halyna :    Wow. Sounds like hard work. Doesn't it sound like hard work?

Melissa:    It is a job on its own. I think it's something that people need to really be aware of that when you step up to do it, it really does take a lot of your energy because it did. It did take a lot of my energy but I really did want to find a life partner. I was very, very particular about who I met and I was really aware of how people can look really, really good online and there's a lot of dishonesty. There's a lot of lies.

Andrea:    So one of the things that you need to think about is the fact that being aware that there actually is dishonesty on there.

Melissa:    Yes. Absolutely.

Andrea:    Because look at the ... What is that? What is that website where they have affairs? What is it?

Melissa:    Madison.

Andrea:    Madison.

Melissa:    Yes. Yes.

Andrea:    Do you know the statistics for that were released when that big exposure happened? The stats that came out and I don't know if you saw it on the paper, Emu Heights was one of the top 5 suburbs of Ashley Madison. That's what it's called.

Melissa:    Ashley Madison.

Andrea:    I was told it was some city go sponsors in social media about they have a surprise, blah blah blah. That site's blatantly ... They were actually saying come and be dishonest with us but in a normal online dating forums there's dishonest as well.

Melissa:    Yeah. Well, people can present themselves to be whoever they like. I mean we all know that but some people actually put a different photograph. Some people actually can have some serious, serious, serious mental health issues and be going after another person in terms of ...

Andrea:    How do you protect yourself? How do you filter that?

Melissa:    It's a really, really good question and there's many things that I know I did. If I contacted somebody, I blocked my number. I didn't give my number or my details to anybody to contact me if the connection was done through chat or through email. I always took their phone number and then I would call them and block my number. That way they wouldn't get any of my details. I even ...

Andrea:    Couldn't they view you as they being someone who was maybe suspicious of being dishonesty because you're blocking your number?

Melissa:    That happened and they didn't answer my call. I really wanted to meet somebody that was going to stick with the process of me needing to do it as safely as I could. That was the guy I married. You know? That was part of my process is to see what they can tolerate around my process of doing this safely.

Andrea:    Wow.

Melissa:    I was strong. I was very, very strong on it because it felt too important.

Andrea:    Is that partly ... You were strong in it because you were clear about what your intention was and what you are looking for? Is that key?

Melissa:    Absolutely key.

Andrea:    Do you think people don't bother about doing that first?

Melissa:    Well, I think people really need to know themselves and what ... It's again about intention. What are you trying to create? I knew that I was someone that does better in a good relationship, you know? I don't do so well on my own. I do a lot better with somebody else. So I was looking for a lifelong partner who had basic values as mine and as someone I could get along with and all of that kind of stuff. I think what attracted me most to who I married was the way he was on our first date; you know? I can think back to that date and it's ... What's really important when you go on a date is that you are really, really centred because what's going to happen when you're meeting somebody new? All of the insecurities are going to come up and your focus is going to be does this person like me? That instantly creates anxiety. I like to say to people, "When you go, go very, very centred." I even recommend that people are in therapy while dating. I think that when you're in therapy you've got somebody who's listening out. "Oh, I really like this person or I really like this guy or girl that I've met," but they're able to listen to stuff that you might not hear.

    I think you need a coach to get through. I think you need to arrive to the actual dates really, really centred and be mindful that you're there to interview them. You're there to work out whether you like them not so much about how much they like you. That really means you need to arrive at a date quite in your centre not in ...

Andrea:    Halyna, this could be good to bring you in here because this is what you do kind of with your body work and stuff that you were saying before. How does someone become centred? Because I can only imagine, look, it's been a long time for me that I've ever been in that state, but I know people ... Like I mentioned, it would be really the butterflies and stuff would tend to take over.

Melissa:    And that’s part of falling in love.  All of those feelings, yes, they're anxious feelings but they're also the feelings that create all the hormones for us to actually fall in love. Remember, this is about making babies, procreating the future and all of that so that's how the body works. It's all of those mixed feelings and that is very, very difficult to manage and I think that's why I talk so much about mindfulness but do you want to answer that question?

Halyna:    Yeah. I think it's really important. In order to be centred and focused, I think it's really important to focus on your breathing because after when you are anxious, the breathing becomes very shallow so there's less oxygen going to the brain. Brain doesn't function properly so it's really important to breath. There is a really powerful ...

Andrea:    I noticed that you have shallow breathing as opposed is what's key there with what you just said, isn't it?

Helena:    Exactly. Allowing yourself to breathe deeply. There's a really good acupressure point, pericardium 8, which is really good for shock. Very easy to find. Smack down in the middle of the palm. Now, pericardium is the muscle that protects the heart. It's really great for any sort of shock, any sort of anxiety and being it the center in the palm, it's something that you can press quite discreetly.

Andrea:    Okay. For the benefit of our listeners because it's probably quite a visual thing, I got my hands ... Right hand or left hand?

Halyna:    It doesn't matter which hand.

Andrea:    Doesn't matter which hand. Okay. My palm up and when I press as a pressure point right in the very, very middle.

Halyna:    In the very middle of the palm.

Andrea:    Very, very middle. Wow. Okay. Just apply pressure?

 

 

 

 

Press play here to listen: 

 

Halyna:    Apply pressure for at least 30 seconds and let that be a reminder for you to breathe deeply at the same time.

Andrea:    I was going to say I suddenly feel the need to breathe deeply while I'm doing that because it's a protection thing, right? That's great. That is great advice Helena.

Andrea:    Very, very middle. Wow. Okay. Just apply pressure?

Halyna:    Apply pressure for at least 30 seconds and let that be a reminder for you to breathe deeply at the same time.

Andrea:    I was going to say I suddenly feel the need to breathe deeply while I'm doing that because it's a protection thing, right? That's great. That is great advice Helena.

Andrea:    Okay. For the benefit of our listeners because it's probably quite a visual thing, I got my hands ... Right hand or left hand?

Halyna:    It doesn't matter which hand.

Andrea:    Doesn't matter which hand. Okay. My palm up and when I press as a pressure point right in the very, very middle.

Halyna:    In the very middle of the palm.

Andrea:    Very, very middle. Wow. Okay. Just apply pressure?

Halyna:    Apply pressure for at least 30 seconds and let that be a reminder for you to breathe deeply at the same time.

Andrea:    I was going to say I suddenly feel the need to breathe deeply while I'm doing that because it's a protection thing, right? That's great. That is great advice Helena.

Melissa:    I'm adding that to my little kit there about working with people who are dating because that's really what you do need is that centred. Because you've got to be able to watch the person and how they're interacting with you. You know, you're watching their eyes, their lips, their mouths, everything about them that gives you indication of who is this person. I mean if you're sitting with someone and they're darting all around the room looking behind you, that's a really good indication that this person's probably not going to be someone that can really sit with you for hours on the lounge and watch a good movie or be that person that can really be with you in that safe and secure relationship. If someone's not able to sit with you and be able to be with you on the first date when they don't even know who you are, you're new to them in novel, it's pretty sure they're not going to be able to do that and be with you in the way you need way, way down the track.

Andrea:    Also I would imagine that you need to ... I don't know. Does it come out in your profiles of whether people want long-term or short-term?

Melissa:    Some people write it.

Andrea:    Yeah. You would hope so because it would be awful if someone was like you're saying quite serious about having ... Looking for a partner and then the people that they're attracting or they're meeting are just wanting to have a fling. I supposed if 2 people want to have a fling, then they can meet ...

Melissa:    There's certain websites for that.

Andrea:    Oh, there is? Okay. I've got also out of touch I wouldn't even know.

Melissa:    Sometimes even the website that you're on can speak to whether you're that kind of person who's just looking for a fling but if you're more on generally people that, in my experience, people that are in eHarmony, RSVP, Elite Singles, they're more looking for longevity in a relationship.

Andrea:    A bit more serious.

Melissa:    Yes, a bit more serious.

Andrea:    Can I put you on the spot and ask you to share some of your not intimate details but some standout things that happened in your 16 that you met?

Halyna:    I was hoping you'd ask her.

Andrea:    I'm so glad it's not just me that ... Because I want to hear. I'm really curious.

Melissa:    Well, I remember 1 person I was sitting with and he looked great. I'm a visual person. Then the conversation was going really, really, really well and then they shared with me how they like to, nothing against this but for me personally, how they like to go hunting animals on the weekend.

Halyna :    Gosh. That would be a deal break.

Andrea:    It's a deal breaking for me.

Halyna :    Oh wow.

Melissa:    You know? He was really, really, really lovely, lovely, lovely guy and everything but once he said that and he had a property and he did it on a property and all this, I visualized me sitting on top of a Range Rover looking out. I'm like, "Oh."

Andrea:   With a gun.

Melissa:    I wouldn't. I wouldn't have the gun and therefore would be even more me just sitting there watching, you know, like Tarzan doing whatever. Because he certainly looked like a Tarzan type, you know? I just had to say, "You know, no. I don't think that you and I are a good fit," and all of that.

Andrea:    Knowing what your deal breakers would be?

Melissa:    Yup. Absolutely.

    
Halyna:    I would have thought that hunting animals for sport is so disgusting. Hunting animals would be something that would be on your profile.

Melissa:    Yes.

Halyna :    Because that would be a deal breaker for so many people.

Melissa:    It wasn't.

Halyna :    It wasn't?

Melissa:    It wasn't there. It definitely wasn't on the profile.

Halyna :    Did you leave him with that piece of advice? My advice is to add that off?

Melissa:    Well, a lot of things happened. I didn't give him advice, no, because he wanted to see me again and all this kind of stuff happened. I had to say just no. Just no.

Andrea:    What about signals and people who are shy or don't cope well with that whole dating? What do you say to those people?

Melissa:    Well, I think what's ... I probably wouldn't say a lot but I would observe how they're managing themselves in their shyness. There are people that are shy and people who ... If people are able to be upfront about who they are and yes, they might be shy and that's probably not somebody that I could have a good relationship with. Well, then I just be very polite and just say, you know, I just know. Just lovely meeting you. I usually use to let them know at the time. I think that that's far more reasonable than leaving.

Andrea:    How did you say it?

Melissa:    I would just say ...

Andrea:    Thanks so much. Good day. Lovely to meet you. Thanks for everything.

Melissa:    Yeah. I think it would be great if we keep in ... If they wanted to keep in touch, I'd say yeah even in the capacity of a friendship we can keep in touch. I'd say something like that.

Andrea:    Did you keep in touch with any of them?

Melissa:    No. Well, they didn't ... They all knew about how I said that in the capacity of just friends. It's a way of saying, "I think you're okay but not for me."

Andrea:    Because at the end of day, that's what it is. It's not like a lifetime rejection. It's just not for you in that particular time.

Melissa:    Exactly. Exactly.

Andrea:    Sound advice. You're doing a talk tomorrow at our Achievement Working in Penwortham.

Melissa:    Yes.

Andrea:    We're actually having a Q and A session. This is actually going to be just a relationship Q and A. If you've got some questions, maybe you've got some challenges in your relationship right now or maybe you've got some questions or you're thinking about particular things you're not sure how to handle something or tackle something, it's going to be a great opportunity to ...

Melissa:    Send them to me.

Andrea:    Send in your questions. We might actually tomorrow set up people to write questions anonymously maybe if it makes them more comfortable. We're certainly happy to do that.

Melissa:    Beautiful. I want to recommend for those of you that are out there dating, “Wired for Dating” by Dr Stan Tatkin. Wonderful book. It will be at the bottom of the podcast. It has an amazing amount of information that's really good especially in terms of the centredness required to do that job of finding that person.

Andrea:    The pressure point again was called what?

Halyna:    Pericardium 8.

Andrea:    Pericardium 8. Right bang smack in the middle of your palm. Well, we had a few technical hitches for this show this afternoon but we got through them. Thank you so much for joining us ladies. It's just been lovely. It's a pleasure. We will make this podcast and all of the things we've discussed today should be available in the next couple of days on our website. WomenWithAttitude.com.au. We'll push it out through social media as well and the links to all the things we've discussed today will be on there as well. Look. We are at the end of our hour. We will see you again. I'll see you in about a month's time, Melissa.

Melissa:    Wonderful.

Andrea:    Helena, we'll see you soon. Thank you for joining us. Bye.

Melissa:    Bye.

Andrea:    This has been Women on Top presented by Women With Attitude and recorded live at Radio Blue Mountains 89.1.

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For more tips and information about love, relationships and happiness visit my Facebook page Key To Love  for those looking to find a life partner and are looking for some coaching.  Love, Life, Relationships & Transformation is my other Facebook page for parents and those in relationships already who like some daily inspiration. Also information about couple therapy and how it can help your relationships.