Melissa Ferrari Answers Some Relationship Questions

Had some fun this morning on Mix 94.5 PERTH with Clairsy, Matt and Kymba answering some listeners questions about relationships, dating and love!

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For more tips and information about love, relationships and happiness visit my Facebook page Key To Love  for those looking to find a life partner and are looking for some coaching or Love, Life, Relationships & Transformation for parents and those in relationships already who like some daily inspiration.  

 

Transcript: 

Clairsy:

Mix 94.5. Morning, its Clairsy, Matt and Kymba here just going eight to eight. Now, recently we have been talking quite a bit about this married at first sight show that's come on the telly.

 Kymba:

It brings up quite a few controversial discussions, I think.

Clairsy:

Does it?

Kymba:

The thing is ... A lot of things about relationships to make you think, "Well, hang on. Can this actually work? If you have other people tell you that you'll be good together-

Clairsy:

Yeah.

Kymba:

-or whether they're going to get along, the whole sexual attraction thing."

Clairsy:

Haven't cultures have been doing that for thousands of years?

Kymba:

Yeah, probably better than the rest of us.

Matt:

Yeah, exactly.

Clairsy:

Maybe nobody filmed them played in prime time,-

Matt:

NO, no, no.

Clairsy:

Because it is a major social experiment, when you think about it-

Matt:

Yes.

Clairsy:

-whether you love the show or not, but we thought we'd talk a bit more of so many of this unanswered questions. Not just us, but the listeners, about relationships. We thought we'd catch up with psychotherapist and relationship coach, Melissa Ferrari. Melissa, welcome.

Melissa Ferrari:

Hi, how you going? I'm happy to be here.

Kymba:

Thanks, Melissa. Now there's plenty of questions always around singles and relationships. We thought we'd get a few out of the way. I've been talking to a girlfriend who is going on regular dates with guys, and she keeps coming back saying, "Well, I don't know what ... He was nice. I just didn't feel that spark." How important is the spark at the start of a relationship? Is it just something that we've all gotten hung up on now.

Melissa Ferrari:

Well, I don't think it's absolutely the most important thing in a relationship when it's first starting out, but it definitely is a factor. You're right. Relationships can build, just like people having a good connection without all those euphoric kind of feelings, because sometimes those euphoric feelings can actually mean something quite, not always good.

Kymba:

Yeah.

Matt:

Yes, yes.

Kymba:

Isn't that the truth.

Clairsy:

Yeah.

Melissa Ferrari:

The spark, though, does need to be there a little bit, but it does need to be at least a little bit of interest in the person, curious enough to get to know them, even if they tick all the boxes and all of that. Ticking all the boxes is not always the best way to start a relationship. It goes a lot deeper than that.

Matt:

I find I get that sort of euphoric feeling, sort of, once an hour, so that's obviously ... A mate of mine said to me the other day ... He's freshly in love and it's great to see. He's got that glow about him. He said, "She is a female version of me." I wondered is it better to look for someone who is just like you or do you want to go for someone who is the total opposite?

Melissa Ferrari:

I don't know that it's actually that relevant. When you are going into a relationship with somebody, what's more important is to look at whether the two of you have the same kind of thinking around relationships.

Matt:

Yep.

Melissa Ferrari:

Are you people that are looking for longevity, like looking at being together forever? Are you people that have similar values and, I guess, morals and ethics around relationships? It's more important that your thinking around how you view relationship is collaborative.

Clairsy:

Sure.

Melissa Ferrari:

That is more of a sign of a relationship potentially being successful.

Matt:

Yeah.

Melissa Ferrari:

People are different or the same, but if they have the underpinning of the stuff that I just said, they can sort out their differences quite easily, and they can also sort out being very much alike.

Clairsy:

Melissa, we put this to Mix 94.5 Facebook and Debbie said, "I've been with my partner nearly nine years. He knows I want a commitment, and in the beginning, they talked about marriage all the time. Now there's nothing. I know he loves me very much, but he says he's got a phobia about marriage, because of all the breakups in his family." "What can I do?" says Debbie.

Melissa Ferrari:

It sounds like that what they probably need to do ... What happens is, if someone has grown up in an environment where there has been a lot of breakups, and relationships haven't gone very well, particularly if it's close, like if it's parents, it can create a bit of fear around relationships. I'm not telling you anything new there. The reason why that happens is because it's a part of the brain that if it experiences too much scary stuff or fearful stuff, it can actually set you up for later in life, being a lot more cautious and careful and even a little bit suspicious about relationships. What this couple need to do really or he needs to do individually ... I always advise doing it as a couple ... is to get into a therapy where you can really analyse what's going on for him. Provide an environment where she can assure him that she can create the safety and security that he needs to make this relationship work.

Kymba:

It's certainly better than offering the ultimatum, which I know a lot of people do. They give up relationships. They say, "If you don't marry me, I'm walking." They leave over that, even though they're perfectly happy with the person.

 Melissa Ferrari:

Usually, people leave for reasons that have to do with unresolved past issues. Sometimes it doesn't take a long time to work that stuff out. When it's understood and can be actually talked about in the relationship, that couple has a lot better chance.

 Clairsy:

Melissa, it's so convoluted, isn't it? The relationship game, but we can find out more at melissaferrari.com.au. Thanks for your time today.

Melissa Ferrari:

Wonderful. Thanks for having me on today.

Clairsy:

I tell you what. If you do have a question that you'd like to ask of Melissa next time we get her on, you can get involved, and we might get an answer or two for you.

Matt:

Yeah.

Kymba:

Yeah. I think about anything, whether you're in a relationship or whether you're single. If it's just something on your mind, and you'd like to voice it, you can either call now. 133353.

Clairsy:

Yep.

Kymba:

Tell our producers the question, or you can go to our Mix Facebook page and pop it on there. We're going to ask Melissa the next time we speak with her.

Matt:

She's very good, isn't she?

Kymba:

Yeah. I think so.

Matt:

You'll get very good advice from her.

Clairsy:

Yep. Free session on the couch with the coach, psychotherapist and relationship coach, Melissa Ferrari, right here.

Matt:

Yeah.

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Questions asked by listeners:

How important is “the spark” at the start of a relationship?

Is it better to be looking for someone just like me, or the total opposite to start a relationship with?

I want a commitment! My partner says he loves me very much but he says he's got a phobia about marriage because of all the break ups in his family. What do I do ?